JOKES

[M H]

Student: Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite


Teacher: NaBro

I bet this one went right over the heads of a few people

Yep, guilty as charged

[Justin Credible]

An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily munches them. Every five minutes she give him another handful.

Driver: "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I can't chew. See, I have no teeth..."
Driver: "Then why did you buy them?"
Old Lady: "Oh, I just love the chocolate around them."

[Justin Credible]

Oche's computer broke so he had to get it fixed
He brought it to the repair shop and the guy behind the counter told him he must install windows again

Oche replied its ok, I do not lick them anymore

[Noisycrowds]

chelsea

[Tommo]

[Justin Credible]

35 Syrian refugees died in Greece this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

[Surreys finest]

What do you call white extremists?

Vanilla Isis

[Surreys finest]

What do you call extremists from Texas?

Y'all Queda

[Justin Credible]

thought this was another thread about bdo players

[Justin Credible]

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[Lister of Smeg]

What do Muslim men and the Zika virus have in common?






They're both parasites who fuck kids.

[Justin Credible]

A classy Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an
Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you
to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she
replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many
seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December,
giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a
decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be
allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the
suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven

[Justin Credible]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello.”
"Mrs. Sanderson, please.” "Speaking.”
"Mrs. Sanderson, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanderson arrived as well…
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanderson asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.”
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanderson.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.”
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
"The MEDICARE Help Desk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."