JOKES

[skweezit]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[skweezit]

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For Fuck's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[Sheep Shagger]

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

[Justin Credible]

Personal Ad Dictionary - Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personals Ads

WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurer = Slept with all your friends
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated = Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat ballbuster
Free spirit. = Junkie
Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Certified Bitch
Redhead = Bad dye-job
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Social = Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height = Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = talker
Widow = Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart = Old bat

MEN'S ADS
40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic = Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Free Spirit = Banging your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking = = Arrogant
Very good looking = Dumb as a board
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Mature = Older than your father
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit = Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet = Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive = Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive = Gay
Spiritual = Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable = Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful = Says "Excuse me" when he farts

[Jockenaria]

I sat my wife down last night and told her that I had a problem. She said that if I had a problem, then we had a problem. We are a married couple and we are in this together, no matter what, and not to forget it. So I said: ok my love, thank you for being so understanding....we have got your sister pregnant.

[Jockenaria]

If this breaks any rules please remove and accept my apologies

I see that Jimmy Savile's family have removed his headstone, along with flowers growing round it as a sign of respect for all his victims, so it just leaves a small hole with no bush round it . . . . Just what Jimmy would have wanted.

[Jockenaria]

I was at a fancy dress party the other night when a big fat girl came over to me . She blushed and said " I really fancy you " . " calm down " I replied " it's just a costume , I'm not a real fuckin doughnut!

[Justin Credible]

Susan Boyle on twitter

I had known jimmy saville since i was 12 years of age and i can assure ye all he never acted wrongly towards me

[M H]

If this breaks any rules please remove and accept my apologies

I see that Jimmy Savile's family have removed his headstone, along with flowers growing round it as a sign of respect for all his victims, so it just leaves a small hole with no bush round it . . . . Just what Jimmy would have wanted.

I don't think ripping the piss out of Saville breaks any rules mate

[Jockenaria]

As i walked into my 13year olds bedroom i tripped on an 8 inch long brown object with a wet end. Shocked and disgusted i confronted her when she got home from school. What do you call that? I asked. Ashamed she replied sorry dad it's my vibrator. Thank fuck for that i said. I thought it was jimmy savilles cigar!

[Justin Credible]

"Now then. Now then. Now then. Guys and gals. Welcome to Top of the Pops.

Straight in at thirteen .... me!"



------------------------------

They have just found Jimmy Saville's diary.

His last entry was about 10 years old.

[Randall]

BBC 2 tonight;The toughest place to be a miner....Not sure whetherto expect a documentary on south africa or jimmy savilles bedroom

[Sprocket501]

I've found something my wife's arse doesn't look big in.


The distance.

[skweezit]

I've found something my wife's arse doesn't look big in.


The distance.

haha good one.

[Jockenaria]

What did the duck yell after being thrown out of a plane?

Quack.

[Randall]

[youtube][/youtube]

[Jockenaria]

My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day. It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.

[Jockenaria]

It turns out Freddie Star never ate a hamster...

It was a fourteen year old beaver.

[Justin Credible]

I've been thinking about getting some short term work over the christmas period so i decided to apply for the chelsea job.

[Randall]

[youtube][/youtube]