From the great Tommy Cooper.
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"